5 Tips for Preparing for Divorce

So you’ve made the tough decision to file for divorce, or just learned that your spouse is filing for divorce. You probably have hundreds of questions and what-ifs swirling and it feels like nothing about your life as you know it is safe or secure any longer. Divorce proceedings can be difficult, but one of the best things you can do to start feeling comfortable again is equip yourself with knowledge. Here are a few things to keep in mind and plan for to help ease the transition to singledom.

How to Prepare for Divorce

1.   Choose a divorce option. Most people don’t realize there are a number of divorce process options. Not all involve litigation. After reviewing the options, evaluate the state of your relationship. Are you on amicable terms? Do you want to avoid going to court? Will you both voluntarily attend meetings to discuss the dissolution of your marriage? Can you both agree on basic principles about how your marriage will end?  If so, alternatives to litigation may be for you.

Divorce Options:
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• Pro se divorce - The “do it yourself” approach. In a pro se divorce, the parties do not hire attorneys, they do it themselves. This is best suited for couples who agree on most aspects of their divorce, who were married a short time, who have few or easy-to-value assets or where income and child support or spousal support is not an issue. In a pro se divorce, the couple will proceed on their own to draft and file the necessary court documents including the summons and petition, financial disclosure statements, and the marital settlement agreement, if any, and the final judgment of divorce. In some areas, pro se form kits are available at the courthouse. For example, in Milwaukee County, pro se packets are available for a small fee in Room 307A of the court house.
  
  Ultimately, the husband and wife must either work out an agreement together or present their legal issues to the court. If an issue is not agreed upon, the parties have to be prepared to act as their own lawyers, which means they must call witnesses, ask questions of the opposing party and tell the court why their request for specific orders should be granted.    
  
  
• Traditional divorce - This is probably the most commonly thought of option.  You or your spouse, or your lawyers file a divorce petition. Hearings are scheduled before Judges or Court Commissioners.There may be negotiations, but the expectation is that if an agreement is not readily reached, the Judge or Commissioner will make the decisions about all disputed issues. This can include division of assets, debts, placement of children, child support or spousal support. In the traditional divorce, both parties hire attorneys. The attorneys provide legal advice and represent the positions of their client in negotiations and court hearings.
  
  This model is an adversarial process in which each attorney advocates positions based on the personal needs and viewpoints of their client. The parties communicate through their attorneys, rather than directly with one another, regarding their positions, proposals and counter proposals on the issues in their divorce. The process may involve the use of formal legal procedures, known as “discovery” to secure financial and other relevant information. This may include the use of depositions,  (a formal taking of testimony before a court reporter) the subpoenaing of documents or other material believed to be relevant to the issues, or sworn interrogatories (formal written questions which must be answered in writing under oath.)
  
  Each party may hire experts to support their positions. Experts may include psychologists, real estate and personal property appraisers, business valuation specialists, accountants, and other investigators. If the parties dispute the legal custody or physical placement schedule for their children, the Court will appoint a third attorney, called a guardian ad litem, to participate in the case as an advocate for the “best interests” of the children.
  
  Ultimately, if agreements are not reached, parties and other witnesses testify before a judge who makes decisions on each disputed issue. Most litigation divorces are eventually settled after substantial time, money and emotion has been spent in conflict.
  
  
• Collaborative divorce - Collaborative divorce is a process in which the divorcing parties work with their lawyers as a team to resolve issues and develop a solution for the future. In collaborative divorce, each party hires an attorney and all four work together in a cooperative, non-adversarial process with a mutual goal of reaching a fair settlement of all issues. The parties and attorneys communicate and negotiate directly with one another in structured four way settlement meetings.
  
  Binding commitments in writing are made by both parties and their respective attorneys to voluntarily disclose all financial and other relevant information, to proceed respectfully and in good faith in settlement negotiations and to refrain from the threat or use of litigation. The parties agree that they will not go to court and if anyone wants to do so, both lawyers withdraw.
  
  As required, experts are brought into the process as neutrals who are jointly retained by the parties. In addition, Collaborative divorce may involve a team approach; possible team members include financial advisors and mental health professionals. ​The parties hire attorneys as settlement specialists.
  
  This process encourages creative problem solving, win-win negotiations, and resolutions that meet the needs of all members of the family. Collaborative divorce produces better results for children, greater satisfaction of the parties, and parties who are less likely to return to litigate future issues in court. More importantly, the parties are directly involved in the process and retain control over the outcome.
  
  If you and your spouse are committed to solving problems together and working in the best interests of your children and other important family relationships, this is a process you should strongly consider.

 

• Mediation - In mediation, the parties hire a neutral third party to assist them in reaching agreements. The mediator can provide information about the legal process and guide a discussion to help resolve issues. The mediator does not represent either party and cannot provide legal advice. The goal of mediation is to allow parties to reach agreements that meet the needs of both parties and their children without the financial and emotional cost of a court battle.  The mediator can write up your agreement. You may hire your own lawyer for advice during the process and should hire your own lawyer to review the agreement prepared by the mediator. ​​

2.   Seek support. As you are preparing for divorce, identify your support system and reach out to them. Whether your support team is small or consists of many individuals, it’s important to your mental health and well-being. Consider meeting with a divorce therapist who can be there to help you manage emotionally as the confusion and anxiety of divorce is often overwhelming. It’s perfectly normal to grieve over a divorce. Give yourself some time and equip yourself with the right resources to grieve in a healthy way.

​3.   Identify your assets and track expenses. Learn as much as you can as soon as you can about your family’s income and expenses, assets and obligations. This information will help you determine how to divide assets and debts, to help you build a post-divorce budget as you prepare for divorce. A financial advisor can take a look at your finances and help you formulate a budget and organize your financial information. It is often helpful to pull your own credit report.  

4.   Agree to keep it civil. If you and your spouse can keep it civil, your divorce will be less costly, both emotionally and financially. Conflict hurts children, so keeping the peace for the children is especially important. If children are involved, and no matter how much one or both of you are hurting, both parties should establish some basic ground rules. For example, the two of you should agree not to discuss divorce issues in front of the children. Issues should be discussed with your attorney or mediator, not in your home. Save the negativity and blame to private meetings where your children cannot over hear.  

5.   Be prepared to make some changes. If you took your spouse’s last name, at some point you may feel compelled to change your name back. Although this affects mostly women, this particular process is often overlooked and can be cumbersome if you are not aware of the steps involved. Do you know what documents you need in order to do so? Now is the time to plan, so you aren’t rushed and can easily schedule these tasks into your calendar.

How to Change Your Name After Divorce In Wisconsin

Changing your last name back to your maiden name (although some men change theirs too) post divorce doesn’t have to be a daunting process. Know what you’re in for and what documents are needed before-hand as you’re preparing for divorce.

First complete an application for a social security card.

Next, visit the Social Security Administration to have your name changed on your social security card. You must show a recently issued divorce decree as proof of your legal name change. In addition to showing the divorce decree, you must provide an identity document. That document must show your old name, as well as other identifying information or a recent photograph. (They do accept an expired document as evidence of your old name.) All documents must be either originals or copies certified by the issuing agency. They do not accept photocopies or notarized copies of documents. View a full list of Social Security Administration locations here.

After receiving your new social security card, go to your local DMV. You can view a list of Milwaukee DMV Service Centers here. When you come to the DMV to change your name on your driver license or identification card, you will be required to show proof of your name change. Your divorce decree will suffice as proof of a name change, but you will also be required to show proof of identity, which can be proved by:

• A valid WI or out-of-state driver’s license
• A valid WI or out-of-state ID card with photograph
• U.S. government and military dependent ID card
• Military discharge papers, including Federal DD-214
• Social security card issued by the Social Security Administration

No matter how you found yourself here, being involved in a divorce is not what you wanted when you married. You can survive your divorce by learning all you can about divorce, the divorce process and how to understand your financial future after divorce. When do you get started? This would be a good time!  

Diane S. Diel practices family law including collaborative divorce and mediation. She brings practical problem-solving skills to your family matter and seeks creative and respectful solutions. Contact our office today to consult with Diane on your family law matter.

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